Super Awesome Bear

We all have one, or at the very least, we can all think of one. When I say wingman, the first person that comes to mind for me is the irrepressible Barney Stinson from the hit comedy, “How I Met Your Mother”. Stinson is a mischievous but lovable bastard. We don’t judge Barney for being shallow and callous, in fact, we appreciate him for it, saying and doing wicked things we real people only think of doing in fleeting moments of ridiculousness.  I don’t have a Barney in my life, and I don’t know any Barneys. Real-life Barneys disgust me. But a wingman? Everyone should have one of those!

Where Barney will help you with a conquest, in this case it’s that special lady at the end of the bar, a wingman’s sole purpose is not just to get you laid; a wingman is there for his bro – he’s got your back! Which is why the second awesome wingman I can think of is Leonidas. Not after watching 300, or reading Frank Miller’s genius graphic novel, but when I stumbled upon the battle of Thermopylae years ago, (perhaps the wingman’s handbook turned me onto reading more about that battle) This Spartan king took 300 of his best men to defend ‘The Hot Gates’ during the second Persian invasion of Greece, effectively protecting Sparta (and the bulk of his Army/Bros). Now I *KNOW* that there weren’t only 300 men, there were thousands of other Greeks involved, Thebans, Thespians etc. To add insult to injury, the battle at the Hot Gates pales in comparison to the brilliant naval tactics in the battle of Artemesium. If it wasn’t for that navy, I believe the Athenians would’ve been destroyed by the Persians. Leonidas picked 300 chuckleheads to stand arm to arm and fight the Persians. Not his entire army, only 300 of them. And he wasn’t hiding at the back in a tent like a punk, either. Anyhoozer, we’re veering off course, the subject in today’s story is wingmen and the fact that a wingman always has your back, and in modern times, he will take a hit if it means his bro gets lucky.

This is a story of the best wingman ever. You can decide if he is a worthy candidate for this prestigious award by leaving a comment below. Besides a few names being changed to protect the not-so-innocent, what you’re about to read is a true story.

* * *

A few years ago, Christian (our intrepid wingman) was woken up one Saturday morning by a vibrating cell phone at his bedside. It was his old friend, Jeffrey. He answered to hear Jeff’s excited voice on the line, “How about a coffee?” Chris agreed whilst rubbing his eyes scratching his balls (sorry, but that’s what men do. WOMEN rub their eyes when they wake up because they don’t have balls to scratch). A few minutes later, Jeff knocked at the door.

Over a coffee, Jeff told his long-time friend about this bird he befriended on MySpace, Vanessa. Apparently Vanessa had invited Jeff to spend the weekend, and Jeff being a horny fucker happily agreed. The kicker? Well, she lived in Bloemfontein, and even though Jeff wanted to do some unsavoury things this lady girl, he still was in no mood to make a four hour trip down to Bloemfontein, especially on his own. While Jeff never hinted or asked, and the conversation continued in another direction, Chris piped up, “Can Sam come?”

“Come where?” Jeff questioned, slightly caught off balance.

“To Bloemfontein, of course. I’m not sitting there with my thumb up my butt whilst you fornicate with this hapless bint.”

“Sure he can!” Jeff cried excitedly. The sheer combination of road trip and premarital sex seemed wildly exciting to the man.

Chris dialled Samuel, clearly waking him, as Jeff had done almost two hours ago.

“Morning Chris” Sam said in a crackly breath, probably while scratching his balls.

“Pak jou DKWs* my brother, ons gaan nou Bloem toe!” Chris ordered him.

They picked up Sam and headed for Bloemfontein in Jeff’s car, with a quick stop at the liquor store – what is a road trip without rations? By 10am, Chris and Sam were tipsy, Jeff enjoying the music and the laughs (and his juice – drivers don’t get to drink!) They arrived in Bloemfontein shortly after 12, welcomed by their hostess with a broad yet nervous smile.

Chris pitied the poor girl. She was outnumbered by guys who had a few drinks on the way down, she had no back-up of her own. Or so we thought…

Cue her gay friend, Willem***

It was a fun and eventful day. Chris and Sam had a blast, as all the food and drinks were on Jeff. You can call it being friendly, I’ll call it a pay-off, but a pay-off with a smile. Vanessa was an awesome chick, Willem was a fun guy, but with alcohol in his system, that queen started interfering in Jeff’s operations of the smooth variety. It was getting late, the waterfront and the restaurants now a distant memory, sitting in a loud club, aptly named The Mystic Boer, waiting for Jeff to get the window to sweep Vanessa of her feet and back to her place. Unfortunately Vanessa’s wingwoman, Willem, continuously cockblocked Jeff. They were at a stalemate, the king unable to move, until the knight took out the queen – Chris made his move. He leaned closer to Sam and whispered, “Brace yourself for what’s about to happen, but if anything goes too far, you intervene!” Sam, perplexed, agreed. Chris transformed into the wingman Jeff needed. He started flirting with Willem.

Sam was blown away, Jeff had a chuckle in his eyes and started working on his closing, he knew the stakes and the time-frame – he had no time to admire Chris’s actions, he had his own mission objective, lest they all return home with a failure to button this grand story. Chris started flapping like a queen, grabbed Willem by the hand and led him to the dance floor. Sam followed, if only to keep an eye on the goings on, probably questioning his own sobriety. Willem, slightly intoxicated, shifted his entire focus to Chris, pouring all his efforts to close the new hot guy, completely forgetting about his own wingman duties, leaving Jeff free to close and take his prize home so he could mount it over the fire place.

And that’s exactly what Jeff did.

There is a second part to this story, completely unrelated to the wingman theme, and probably something that might make you laugh uncontrollably. But until I write a post about emergency rooms, sneaky tampons or being bitten by a dog, I’m afraid the second part of this story will have to wait.

The question remains, is “Chris” deserving of the title, “Best Wingman Ever”? The poor guy crossed the gender barrier, almost impaling himself on a not-so-proverbial sword so that his bro might get lucky. Would Barney Stinson do that?

* DKW = Dans, Kerk en Werk, clothes you need with you if you want to be prepared for any situation

** Not really a BMW, but other fancy German car.

*** I don’t have to protect him, Willem was his real name, and he was a good friend and wingman to “Vanessa”. Unfortunately he was outsmarted by a superior wingman.